Beautiful Decay

sleeping by yourself at night can make you feel alone

2011-10-04T23:17:00.000-04:00

i have since been put on yet another medication, even after an increase in dosage on my welbutrin from 300 to 450. i have started on deplin now, which isnt an anti depressant, but another supplement that may help with the anti depressants. i feel as if i have lost my appetite since going on this new medication, and that im not as hungry as i have been before, but it sneaks up on me, and wham, ill be hungry with a growling stomach and an increasing headache. im not sure what things that go on with me may be a side effect of all the pills im on, or what. i have horrible dry mouth, all the time it seems. i drink a ton of water at work, and yet i never feel like i am hydrated. this medication sucks.

its a slow process, this improving stuff. i still have a hard time motivating myself to do much of anything really. homework, has been the worst lately. today, i felt like i was dragging ass all day, and i could have just stayed home and crocheted in my bed or kept sleeping, which wouldnt help me not drag ass. it only seems to make it worse. i dont know if this is a side effect, which makes no sense, but who knows. i want to feel motivated and energetic. maybe i need to workout more? have people force me to do things? i never feel like im included in anything with anyone anymore. sometimes i just dont feel anything. im just here. no bad feelings, no good feelings. just here. or i just feel so out of it, zoned in on something else, and that somethign else is deff not my school work.

ive been trying to meet people. but sometimes that seems to fall through all the time, but lately its been a little better.

i just never know what to say anymore it seems. which is why i havent wrote in a long time. i dont want to spout out on here and offend someone because i could do it so very easily. which, may be another reason to add to the havent wrote in forever list.

i sometimes feel totally selfish. i wish someone would show me that im not. or that im not cynical or a bitter bitter person against all these people that i see at work or on the road, etc. i dont want to be a hypocrite, which i do all the time im sure. i just want to be comfortable in my skin for once.

let it burn let it burn

2011-01-25T17:00:00.000-05:00

been a while since ive wrote. just dont feel like writing, or i feel like writing and i dont feel like writing about the same thing i always write about. New years came and went once again. this is the first year i think that i havent cried. i think im just numb to the pain. which i dont even know if it is even there anymore since it has been five years. i dont need to cry over him. but day after day, the memories of being with him still flash in my mind whne i hear songs, or see something that reminds me of him. why cant i just forget and never remember again. soemtimes i feel like im still trying to fill the void that he has left inside me, even though that void has been filled with pain and darkness, and i dont know if it makes me scared to let anyoen else in, in fear of opening up that void anymore then what it is and let more pain and darkness fall into it.

some days i just wish i could see someone and say, thats it. and just fall head over heels. i felt it with andrew on our first date, and how i knew that he was what i wanted at the point. there are so many things that i wish i could change, but i know that i cant, and someone will probably read this and tell me to just lay off it. its hard to explain to people, unless they know. someday ill fill that void with light and happiness. i just dont know when that day will come along. i just hope that it is sooner then later.

i am in a new semester of school. same shit, different day. did my taxes, not getting any thing back but 17 dollars, but owing the state 33. thank you... you stupid ass politicians.

You're my best friend

2010-10-27T21:18:00.000-04:00

Steve is out. As of now. I'm tired of him treating me like shit, and just wanting me for sex. I thought i was done with all this. Now I wonder about Tim. He says that he will always be there for me, but I needed him last night and he never answered me. I don't know. I understand that he is busy, and he has his own thing going on, but really....please don't tell me you are always there for me and when I needed you, you weren't there once again. I feel like I keep bugging him all the time, and I feel like I keep bugging my friends all the time cause I've been so down in the dumps lately. But its always about the same thing, and I think that my friends get tired of hearing about it. And I sometimes hate that its always for the same reason. I wish I could just put all of my suspicions aside and just live without worry about everything that goes on with all my friends and whether or not they care or what not. I know they care. I know they love me. I just wish I could trust that and be ok with that and just not worry about if they don't text me back or they don't text me at all. I just need to chill out and I don't know how. Gahh.

I have so many plans this weekend, and right now, I just don't want to do any of it! I'm going to make myself do it. But I know that it will be a hard task, but I can do it. I know I can.

"mommy, i dont wanna go to school because of the bully"

2010-10-09T21:09:00.000-04:00

there has been a lot of things in the news recently about school bullies, and it keeps getting worse it seems. i was watching anderson cooper 360 last night and they had dr. phil on, with an expert, and a past bully, and mothers of children who have recently committed suicide. in the past month or so, there have been, what, five suicides or so because the teens have been bullied because they are gay, or what not. one girl had a topless picture that was spread around the school so she killed herself. and the others killed themselves because they were made fun of for being gay. its just unacceptable. and as my mom said, its just the males. for the females, it is accepted to be gay by the guys because they think its hot. i was always bullied through high school, and never did i think about killing myself because of being bullied, i just got so angry about it that i just wanted to hit someone in the mouth. it wasnt until after high school that i started to feel somewhat suicidal, but i got help before anything.

adults dont seem to be helping much either, until it is too late. teachers dont know what to do, or just dont even know about it because the students are too scared to go to someone because they are afraid to be called a snitch, or even get beat up about stuff. i was always one to tell someone about what was going on, and then i was called a snitch and what not. when teachers find out about something, they need to learn how to deal with it. they dont know how to. and it doesnt seem like administrations and stuff really care about it. money shouldnt be a problem either, it has nothing to do with money, maybe to get a meeting together or soemthing like that.

if you are being bullied, then tell someone, i know it is hard. but you have to do something. someone needs to change the world around, and that change may start with you. the bully may have problems at home, or problems with themselves and they might need as much help as you do as well. if you are feeling like harming yourself, go to someone. get help with that as well. there is hope out there, you can make it. after high school, things start to get better for the most part, you can get through it. it might be a long road, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

nothing can stop me now cause i dont care anymore

2010-10-05T23:45:00.000-04:00

today was day four that i was going on without talking to steve. he's been strange lately. but that was it. he texted me today asking me for the same thing that he's wanted, and that i have hardly gave up to him since we broke up. i told him no, but that i would still come over, and he said he didnt want me over because all he wanted was sex. so i asked him why he has been acting so strange. so he told me, you know that we will not be anything more then friends. no shit sherlock, thats all i have to say. i cant go back to you so you can treat me like shit again. so i told him i know that nothing will work out between us. why do you think i broke up with you in the first place? so im done. that was the last straw. i cant take it anymore. this is my strength back again. im getting past this. but im sure you will be hawking me back within time, like all the other guys. im just tired of guys, period. i wish i could meet one that would put me above everything else, and everyone else. but i guess that will be someday, but for now, i have to concentrate on my school and all the other things that are much more important to me then steve wanting me to have sex with him and then not talking to me after that. i cant tear my self up like that again. i dont do it anymore to myself, its not good for me.

so, its back to on my own again. but i can do it. ive done it before. been through andrew and back.

nothing can stop me now, cause i dont care anymore.

as for school, i hope that my math scores can finally rebound. i need to learn to study it, yeah, i should know how to do this already, but apparently not. ill figure something out cause i can do it. i will succeed. oooo, listen to my positive talk. go me.

sometimes it hurts.

2010-09-30T21:14:00.000-04:00

my metaphor for my "recovery", the stairs. this week, i felt like ive tripped when i was on the walk up and im falling backward again. ive kind of felt like this lately, but today, ive just felt like giving up again. on it all. but i cant. i can do this. but its hard. where did my strength go? i thought i was strong, i was going to get through. i didnt need to depend on anyone, that i could do it. and now, i just feel like ive fallen back on people again. texting them all the time, waiting for a response that hardly ever comes. i just need to depend on myself, no one else. whats the point of having this damn phone if i dont use it? why spend all this money on shit when no one ever responds. maybe im just a nuisance to people. thats what i feel like atleast.

hold me now i need to feel complete

2010-09-23T21:49:00.004-04:00

i feel selfish. my friends grandfather passed away. i put on face book that my thoughts go out to the family. his girlfriend put it up there, and his cousins all responded to her, and not me at all. i feel this is so stupid, immature and very childish. how can i take someones pain and turn it into my own selfish thoughts?

it makes me feel ugly. unwanted. unneeded, and then on top of it all, selfish. i just want someone to hold me now. i just wanna cry to someone. i want to talk to him, but i cant do that, because im selfish, and he has his own things to worry about, he doesnt need to hear about what is going on with me, and that its his pain that i am creating my own pain from.

days like this i hate. i dont want to be single. i want to be with someone. i dont want to live at home. i want my own place. i want to feel ok. ive been doing good. why am i falling backwards again. i know they say that it wont happen in one day, and there are such things as set backs, and i guess this is my set back. i just feel selfish. turning someone elses pain into my own. dont give me your sympathy. im not wanting it, but deep down i am. its hard to explain. i guess its just me being selfish, wanting someones world to revolve around me. me and me alone. to love me. to care. to want me for more then just sexual pleasure.

three months and ive been sober.

2010-09-16T16:48:00.002-04:00

well, i decided that even though i thought that my welbutrin was my weakest link in my current medications, it is a LINK and i should never again skip taking it two days until i get paid so i can buy more. it wasnt a voluntary thing, im just tired of using mom and dads money. i want to have responsibility for what i need (except food because i will NEVER be able to afford that until i get a full time job i think). my prescriptions especially because they already have to pay medical bills for me going to leslye, and now medical bills for elles knee, and im sure that isnt quite over yet. but i could be wrong. who knows.
so my paycheck mostly went for my scripts. now its going to stay in my account until next thursday, except for gas, which i will soon need to buy cause it will be the weekend again and ill be running all over town for work again. my next paycheck i hope will go mainly to an alignment on my car, which is badly needed and hopefully get my laptop paid off. oh money, how i hate thee.

my nana is moving back home. im thrilled, but dreading all at the same time. its just another thing to feel guilty about not going to see because of my busyness or whatever other excuse i can come up with. cause im sure i will find one. i feel like im withdrawing from my friends again. this time not on purpose, its just happening. i havent talked to tim in like a week and a half, and this is because im tired of him saying one thing and doing another. he hasnt attempted to contact me, nor have i him. im almost to busy to care, but then again, it leaves my heart empty that he hasnt contacted me, but im sure its not just because of him. my heart is just, empty. but i guess its a feeling i should be used to right now.

some days i feel like im falling backward, some days, i just wanna get away because people are driving me nuts. i wish i could have my own place with as many cats as i want so i dont have to listen to bickering about money, or having my own opinions about the way things are being done and then im shunned for when i try to speak about it so i just hold it in because i dont feel anyone understands it. i want to hit people in the face for being hypocrites, lazy, dont do their jobs right, or just dont know how to drive. i think i need a punching bag.

i have started to notice a slow result in my body from working out. even though i may only work out once or twice a week. if im lucky, three times a week. its slowly starting to transform my body, even though i dont feel different, and its not helping my feelings of uggghhh any more.

well this is my passing of the time rant. im sure there is a lot more i could type but i cant think of any.

I fly like paper, im high like a plane.

2010-08-19T19:34:00.003-04:00

Warblers are that surprise that you don’t expect. They’re that little glimpse of joy in the underbrush, or the forest canopy, they often find us when the light is filtered through leaves, trees, things that can be beautiful in their own right, but block the light. Warblers remind me that there is also something to smile about, something to chase after, to keep moving for, even if it’s something very small. Small doesn’t mean it’s not important, it just means you have to pay attention, and be willing to notice things that most people never see at all. Whatever is happening in your life I hope you find your warbler to bring a smile to your face, to make you remember a happy memory, or just to be reminded that even in the killing heat there is still song and a bird no bigger than my three fingers put together singing joyfully, courageously, who doesn’t know that there is such a thing as hopelessness.~ Laurell K. Hamilton

this reminds me of something my counselor wanted me to try to do. look ahead to things, whether they are small, or large, there is always something to look forward to in life. recently, ive been feeling the medium i have been feeling for a while. its been a while since ive had a down day. the last down day that i had was a weekend that i kept remembering those slowly fading, but still vivid memories of andrew. it made me miss him, and hate him for him having a family and having a happy life. we drove by greensburg on the way to tennessee. i was hoping that my dad didnt stop there. and he didnt. he kept going. it was mentioned later about my facebook status that mentioned him stopping there. he said i thought you would be over this. i didnt have an easy, explainable reason. i'm over it, yet something like that, where i havent been to in almost five years, that he was the only person that i experienced greensburg with and its just a painful memory of his current happiness and my floundering back and forth between hating myself and being ok with myself.

why cant i just do shock treatment, and get rid of just andrew. thats the only thing that i have heard of that deletes memories, but the only thing. it deletes all memories. not just the ones i hate. so much for that idea.

i try too much

2010-07-21T16:00:00.002-04:00

im not perfect, but im hurting myself striving to be. i move from this chair i will cut myself. im scared. i just cant do anything right. i think i am and i fuck something up. i hate being numb. i hate people mad at me. i hate feeling helpless. i hate all the strained relationships.i hate myself. i hate that i hate myself. i just dont know what to type. and att he top i hate that i think that this is self centered thinking.

heart break hotel

2010-07-06T21:44:00.002-04:00

am i just a horrible person? i wouldnt call it a good thing that i have no sympathy for ones recent heartbreaks. all i can think of when i was in high school and i went through what they were going through at the age of 16 and almost no one wanted to reach out to me and say, we can make it through. you can do it. all i got was, just get over it from many many people. some i just didnt even try to talk to about stuff, well partially cause not everyone needs to know my business and its not like i was close with everyone in my high school class. i dont know. i think im just cynical once again. my heart goes out to your heartbreak, but in the end, i just keep thinking about karma. what you are feeling now, i felt for over a year at the age of 16. i dont know, maybe this is just stupid. does anyone else feel this way? has anyone gone through what i went through? not like it was the worst thing that could have happened to me, and im sure it was not the worst thing that will happen to me. im sure people have it worse then what i did. not saying that. thats just not right. but to go through what i went through, that was a lot of pain to deal with. that was a lot for a young girl. others are now five-six years older then what i was and now they are dealing with it. i dont know. i just dont know what else to say besides: "Man, doesn't it suck? now you know what i went through five years ago in high school"

im so horrible.

those summer nights

2010-07-05T22:28:00.003-04:00

another summer night, and i must say, i have been keeping myself busy enough this summer to keep my mind off of anything bad happening or any of the bad things that could happen.

i did nothing for the forth. i worked. last night i sat at home and did what i am doing tonight, drank a wine cooler, and read my book. except tonight i have a computer on my lap and my book closed next to me.

my sims game wont work on my new laptop, so i decided to build my own desktop, which will be about 600 to 700 dollars. i have about a thousand dollars more to save. which makes me feel bad cause i dont feel like im putting money away just to put money away. its always to save for something only to go to spend it. maybe ill just start taking some money out of one savings to put into my never touch except for emergency savings. why does money always have to get in the way? well, a good thing is that vocational rehabilitation is going to help pay for school because of my depression affecting my schooling so much. which will help me and my family out alot. im not sure how much they will pay for, but im hoping for quite a bit. now only if i can get the state to pay for all my medications like they pay for everyone elses. hmmmm..... at least they are going to spend money on me for something. it would be great.

as for the rest of the summer... i kind of met a guy. his name is tim and he works for home city ice. i havent got to do anything with him on a count of work, so ive kind of been talking to him. not alot though. steve has been keeping me company which helps out a lot. ive been shrugging off a lot of things that i cant stand about him and just leave or stop talking to him when it does happen.

i feel like this is a pointless writing. but i guess its an update for my two followers. oh yay.

"broken hearts are for assholes"

2010-06-19T22:42:00.002-04:00

last night was the first night i began apartment sitting at steves for the weekend while he was out of town and i can watch his cats while he is gone. well last night there was a thunderstorm that knocked out the power and was out for almost twenty four hours. i layed in bed last night and suddenly thought, wow, my mind is blank. my mind is not thinking bad. but yet, im still not happy, but not sad. i was neutral. it was a good feeling to be neutral, i just kind of smiled, rolled over and fell back to sleep. for the past couple days, i have been "neutral". not sad, but not happy. its good not to think so horrible, and not be so negative, for once. i just hope it was be this way for the rest of the summer. the good grades in calculus are also helping. two quizzes, one was an a+ and the other was a b. :D it mkaes me feel liek i can do this. i understand this. its going to be ok. i can do this. its going to be ok.

you are beautiful. no matter what they say. words cant bring me down

2010-06-14T22:42:00.002-04:00

its been a back and forth battle still with myself and my negativity,and my "over generalization", as my counselor and psychiatrist say, as the summer kicks off to heat, humidity, sun, and severe storms.
one day, im ok. the next, its down and out. yesterday was a down and out day, until i went to skyes graduation party. made me feel quite a bit better, believe it or not. felt like it was people i could kind of relate to. who knew what i could be, or what not. i guess you could say.
i went to steves this afternoon and he was watching christina aguilera: behind the music. to my surprise, i was sucked into what was being said and shown. her music sucked me in (but how couldnt her voice suck anyone in??) then she went into discussing her 2002 release of Stripped. I remember when this album first came out. it was 8th grade and i was sitting on the bleachers listening to brehanna ward and amanda stahl look at the printed of lyrics of dirrty and singing it. and andrea clarks love of her album. thats what i can remember from that album. she soon went into describing how she went into a deep depression on this album, and the women who wrote "beautiful" played the song for christina and from the get go, she knew it was to be her song. realizing that she had pain as i have pain, and she does have the emotion to go with her songs that she sings about, that she isnt perfect and she is dealing with what i deal with on a daily basis. she talks about her current husband, and how he was the one that was there for her to lean on to get through the darkness and pain she was dealing with. they described studio sessions during stripped where she would just break down and cry from the sadness that she had been holding in from age 6. it touched me. i just stared at the tv, thinking that there is someone this beautiful, suffering from insecurity and depression.

her songs have a whole new meaning to me. its something that she has been dealing with and it just isnt a stupid pop song to get on the radio. its from the heart.

i can do this. i can win.

such a lonely day, and its mine.

2010-06-04T23:56:00.002-04:00

ahhh the beginning of summer. i can feel it already, the humidity in the air, the random rain showers. talk of swimming and going to the beach, oh and my lonesomeness and the feeling that everyone is pushing me away. the unanswered text messages, the cancelling of plans, and putting bread and buns up.

mom and dad went to vegas this week. i wanted people to come over and keep me company. it just hasnt happened. my sister has had colton over every night this week and it just makes me feel lonely. falling asleep next to my cat and my tv on. shes done better then what i thought, thinking that she would have people over every night. course nan has been here too so im sure thats cut down on a lot. but i just had a break down monday night, and today wasnt very good either. yesterday, i had plans with tim, and he bailed on them because he had a meeting. well, im pretty sure its because he just forgot he had it like he does pretty much with everything. but of course, i take it tooooo far, and jump to the bad thing all the time, and everytime.

i posted a status on facebook about my friends, and i shouldnt have because they dont do the things that i make them out to do. and it just made me feel worse. how can i be so selfish? they care, they love me, but their world does not revolve around me. i guess i just want to be the center of someones world.

heather said to me today that she hates that im not happy. i hate that im not happy. so i thought about it a little bit. i cannot really tell you too many things that i can think of that make me happy. ive withdrawn from all the activities i used to love to do. ride my bike.. hell i cant even tell you. i think i got lost with all of that during the transition to high school, jumping into a relationship to define myself. i was never like that until i was with a guy. then it went to andrew, and well, we all know where it went from there.

when will something satisfy me. when will i finally be happy. maybe soon.

hate to say this, but i hope calculus makes me feel better this summmer.

i wanna fuck you like an animal

2010-04-20T21:25:00.002-04:00

i feel like sex is kind of an addiction. i dont want it cause it hurts me physically, but i want it cause its the only thing that makes me feel like someone cares, someone wants me, until its over and they get up and leave. but what if the physical pain is because of the emotional pain? is this all just from andrew. the pain that he left me to remember when im having sex. that they are jsut going to get up and leave after the deed is done. maybe i just need someone to love me, i need to have the love with the sex, and maybe it will all be better. i feel like no one will love me. i feel like this stupid depression will over rule any love that may come into my life. i went backward i feel like, i started talking to beau. but its nothing as to what i want. its just random text messages, if he even answers me. hes in love with someone else. and yet, i have the crazy thought that i can make someone fall madly in love with me, like andrew always told me, "there is just something about you that makes me love you". why hasnt it happened since him? i may have fallen for one other, and maybe another one that i can see myself falling for. but why dont they fall for me? what am i doing wrong? is it cause im giving my self up that easy? i dont feel like i am.

i just dont know. why wont someone just fall in love with me and just be here for me so i dont feel like this anymore.

i will find another way

2010-04-15T09:33:00.004-04:00

well, its over. im done. i cant be with him if he is going to cute me down like that and not try to make things better for me. or even try to understand what goes on in my head.

so now im back to me. just me. no one else. i hate it. i hate not having someone around. and the people who do care, i just feel like i bug the shit out of them. so i feel like i want to cut myself off from everyone. and yet, i dont.

and yet, im trying to make amends with my past. drop grudges that shouldnt be held.

i was on facebook, looking at an exs page, shouldnt have done. he just went from in a relationship to single. his status was just lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. it got me upset. seeing this line even in my blog gets me upset. why having i been the best thing to happen to anyone? im just here. just cause. cause why? i dont know. i want to be the best thing to happen to someone. i want to be held, and cared for like nothing else matters. and i think this is all i can write right now cause i cant start crying while im sitting in a lab in school.

but, i think the song that will get me through this right now is Hurt's Well. there is something out there for me. "i will find another way" i wont do what first happens in the song. because the whole point is to find another way after losing someone or dealing with doing somethign to someone that you care for, or joining a record contract that was so wrong for some one.

with or without someone. I WILL FIND ANOTHER WAY dammit. i will. i will be well some day.

self-inflicted

2010-04-10T21:56:00.002-04:00

another weekend. ive spent some time with steve over the week, but nothing has changed. he seems to be more of a dick then usual. today was the final straw. im tired of his negativity, how he treats me, and how it feels like he has no respect for me. i need that. i dont want, i NEED. i was at tims today when i was texting him back and forth a little bit. he asked what i was doing, and i said i was hangin out with tim. he thought it was funny. he always finds it funny. so i asked why. he said cause its just funny. my reply back to him was glad you think so. and i got a text back from him that i had never expected. his reply was "yeah, sorry im not depressed all the time and i can laugh at things" i just started crying, in shock of what he had just said to me. tim was asking what was wrong, what he said to me. i told him and he said, dont text him back, what an ass. my reply to steve was, that was fucking low. he said, well its true not to be rude. im just done. i just cant take it. does he ever think that maybe its him that makes me feel so depressed when im around him? i do sometimes. but i get depressed all the time. who knows. but im jst done. i want to get my stuff and just be done. i hate this. i hate relationships. why cant i be stronger? i said to my counselor yesterday that im afraid of getting hurt. she said, well what are you going to do. you have to take risks even if you are afraid of being hurt. whats the worst that can happen?

so off that note, that conversation started because i mentioned beau. i seen him that morning and we soemwhat talked. some of the most talking weve done since he broke up with me. my counselor suggested contacting him. i had thought about it before. i wish i could send him a message and say, i miss you. can we try again? but thats just too out there. i would never get the guts to do that. i miss him a lot. he treated me so awesome, filling my ears with compliment after compliment, smiling at me when i look at him, holding my hand when we walked, kissing me in the rain. taking me to dinner. i wonder if he still has Simon the Lion.

maybe ill figure out how to text him, get his number from tim. i dont know. i hate missing people that are in my past from over a year ago.

the frail

2010-04-06T23:26:00.003-04:00

ever since thursday, ive been in a bad mood. ive tried to be all yeah whatever. thursday, i was bailed on after the plans had been made already. friday, i found out my hair dresser is leaving in june, after i finally found someone good. saturday, i just worked all day. taht was probably the best day of the weekend. in the mean time, i was trying to study here and there for my computer science test. i studied a little bit friday, a little bit saturday between work shifts and sleeping. sunday came and it was nice, i had the day off, with the test on monday looming over my head still. i planned to make the day a study day. i did pretty much for the most part. a few breaks here and there, which you need that when you study. later in the evening, steve asked me to go to the movies. i said yes. he was soon wanting me to stay the night with him. i wanted to, but yet, he has yet to make up his mind about us. so i said no. next txt i got, it was saying that he was just going to stay home for the night. so i continued to study. frustrated, and irritated with everything. i finished about 10 or so. and layed in bed, talked to tim for a little while, and then tried to go to bed. a layed there for a while, and finally fell asleep. i ended up waking up at 245 from dreams of hanging out with tim and lanita. so i sat up and studied for a while, and fell back to sleep. i woke up monday mornign, thinking about my test, and feeling fully awake. i worked and got to school to crunch about for about an hour or so before my test. i took the test, and i felt like it went horribly. i discussed with friends from the class and realized that i did things totally wrong. even today, i realized i did something totally wrong. on the inside, i starte to panic, and the thoughts of failure and dissapointing my parents again ran across my mind. i texted friends, they told me not to worry. so i put it off my mind for a while, checking oncourse constantly through the day, and finally my grade was posted. i got a 75. it was an awesome feeling. i made a passing grade. it made me happy. i have the final left to go and three more assignments to complete. and yet, i have physics to get through, a paper to write in art history, along with a final. history of rock and roll is no sweat. then just days after my finals, i will turn twenty one, hoping to start my summer off decently. and maybe it will last. maybe this grade and the last grade, which was also a B is the start to something good for me.

and maybe its the start of positive thinking. why does my junior year in any school suck for me?

Misery'n

2010-04-03T23:50:00.002-04:00

"ive been misery'n. ever since my daddy gone yeah. ive been hunny ive been misery'n yes i have. ever since my daddy gone. but i believe that it wont, it wont be too long if i can just hold on until my misery will be gone"

well, its been two weeks since steve and i have been on a break. do i see us getting back together? not really. he's got too many other things too put forth then commit his time to me, and quite frankly, i should feel the same. i have school, and my mental health. i need to get out of this damn depression. im now on 90 mg of cymbalta and 300 mg of welbutrin. but i dont know how im supposed to feel on these things. i jsut wish i could kick it to the curb and be done. why do i define myself by my depression? is it because i dont know myself outside of a depression? my psychiatrist is on the quest for me to find happiness in myself and no one else. i wish i knew how to work on this. i just wish i knew.

i wish i didnt feel like i was alone. i feel like im sinking backwards. it doesnt help that i feel like my friends are deserting me again. they bail on plans with me, and what do i feel? nothing. numb. no feeling. i just keep texting until i hear something. then i finally hear something, and im fine.

school makes me wanna break down even more. i took a test again and it didnt go well. im falling very far behind in physics. i cant ever muster up the motivation to do anything with it. i almost caught the lab on fire the other night. im just annoying with it. i dont wanna do it anymore. i just wanna work with my computers. this has NOTHING to do with them. it does, but doesnt. i have a final project, and a final and a couple labs left. i can do it. its just not easy. i cant stand the professor. and my lab partner annoys me.

one day, my life will be about me. one day, i will get what i want. happiness. true happiness. i cant live like this for the rest of my life. just take things day by day.

2010-03-12T19:13:00.002-05:00

i sit on steve's couch, contemplating so many things in my head. my up and coming colonoscopy. once again, a search to end my problem that i am afraid that i may never find an end to. im going to be twenty one and i wont be able to enjoy sex because there is too much pain and i can never want to be in the mood anymore because why would you want to do something that hurts you? that part i believe is psychological. as for the actual pain being psychological, i won't rule it out. look at what i have attached to my memories of sex. pain and suffering. yesterday, im pretty sure i seen korey. my heart began to race and i began to panic and flash back to sitting in the front seat of andrews truck travelling down us 20 by the by pass and korey sitting in the back telling andrew to turn the nickelback song off because he didn't like it. inside, i was screaming for him to get the hell out of the truck. we were sitting at a stop light and i kept glancing back to see if it was him and i couldnt see him. but prior to that, i could see him in my rear view mirror. the way he moved, the way he sat in the truck, it was no doubt him. i just wish i could never see him again, and the next time i do see him, it be an obituary in the paper. i know, sounds cynical. but thats how i am towards him. i hate him. and yes, i know hate is a bad word, but i cant hate anyone as much as i hate him.

i went to my advisor about next semester stuff a week or so ago, and i finally feel as if i have some sort of closure as to when im going to graduate and this school stuff. but feeling better about not doing the best that i can do is another story. i get grades back and i'm i think to myself. what the hell have you done.you can do so much better. your so worthless. this is why mom and dad ahve to pay more on car insurance cause you failed and fucked up your gpa. way to go. yes. thats what i think. there you go. a view into kays head.

today. i went to Highland cemetary to find Micheal Grembowiczs grave site. i found it. i wasnt expecting what i saw. i saw a tiny head stone laying even with the ground with his picture in color on it. in my head i thought it was going to be a huge headstone with beautiful engravings, covered in flowers and knick knacks from over the years. along with the headstone, however, was a cross with his initials on it with an unopened bottle of miller light propped against it. it made me smile. i stood there and thought about what was underneath me. bones? a casket for sure, but what else. as i drove around the cemetary to find his grave, i had wondered to the back of the place and seen all the varieties of the things they place in the ground, and i would imagine that the casket is placed in it. where does he go? did he see me? is he in the place like in dantes inferno because he did commit suicide? as i left, i thought about visiting hayley dowluts grave, only if it wasnt on the other side of town. how is her headstone? how many people visited these graves to see their lost loved ones. it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. all these questions that one will never know.

well, i guess there is my rant for the day.

nothing to write about but i feel like i should

2010-02-19T22:57:00.003-05:00

i sit here at steves in front on of my computer, watching baby blues. i didnt know this show was even on anymore. i remember watching it years ago, and thats about it.

i think so mnay thoughts in my head, that i just dont know what to think about anymore. i think about the disease, about school, my relationship with steve and family and friends. i think about work, and how long it will take me before i can go back to sleep. tomorrow it will be about how much my foot is going to hurt when i am working. its one thing i never thought someone would do, but hey, onyl i can manage to swing my foot back into the faucet in the shower just to end up with a bleeding gash in my heel, with very little pain until the next day at work.

one thign that has been crossing my head is the thought about my stupid depression. janie, my second mom pretty much, sent me a message on face book, saying how she thinks i define myself by my depression. i totally agree with her, and i just dontk now how to fix this problem with me. i started on cymbalta, and ive been on it for about three weeks now. its been helping me out so much, kind of. mood wise, i dont feel like ive changed much. but it seems as if my suicidal thoughts have diminished to pretty much nothing. very little have been occurring and that is only because it is mentioned to someone or something.

well, thats my rant for the day. i dunno what else to write.

cause i love you. i have loved you all along

2010-01-28T23:40:00.002-05:00

well, my new therapist wants me to write about new years eve 2004/2005. everyone of my friends have heard at least a little something about this new years eve. and this is down to everything i remember. this is the first time i have ever, EVER, wrote about this night that would soon start my battle with myself and everything else that went on from this day on.

we were on our way back from greensburg on december 31, 2004 because there was no place for us to stay there. i had decided to finally try the drinking game with andrew. i was pretty nervous about it considering it was my first time doing it ever. but i felt comfortable with him and i trusted him. we went back to his house to nap for a while. i lied to my mom about where i was, making her think i was in greensburg when i was in south bend the whole time. andrew wanted new years eve to be with korey, i however, did not. i wanted to go to my friends house because i hated korey and it was not my idea of a place to be on new years eve with this boy that i was in love with. we ended up at wendys at one point, and i just remember feeling sick and sitting there waiting for korey to get off work so we could go to his brothers. we went out to eat at hooters to kill the time away. in the truck on the way over there, i told him that i didnt want to be with korey on new years eve and he was kind of offended and threatened to take me home and that i should stop acting like a baby. this was something that i had never heard him say to me ever. we ended up at hooters, ate, then went back to wendys to wait for korey. he was finally off work and we went to his house so he could get his alcohol and to take a few shots with his mom. soon, we were on our way to his brothers house. i was getting uncomfortable so i grew quiet. i took my tinkerbell throw in so i would feel a i little more comfortable. we sat down on the couches and got comfortable. dukes of hazzard was on and the bottles of beer, cigarettes and southern comfort quickly came out.
they got me a glass and andrew poured me a little bit of soco to try. i drank it. it hurt my throat like crazy, but i kept drinking a little more, and they kept asking me if i felt anything. at one point i didnt, the next i was laying on andrews lap, giggling my head off. i looked at him and keep telling him that i loved him. he puffed on a cigarette and i yelled at him for smoking because he knew that i hated it. the rest becomes a little bit of a blur. i remember korey taking pills and then smoking pot with his brother and sister in law. i yelled at him for doing it, and they soon started questioning me about why i hated korey so much. a straight answer never came out of my mouth. i just remember hanging on him and giggling, and being really loud. we missed the ball drop, and i lost track of time. i remeber at one point his sister in law was telling me to not do something on her couch and that it was her house and i needed to respect it. i was told later why she said it.
next thing i knew, korey was in the bathroom puking and soon passed out. his brother was scared, but i dont really remember my reaction. i soon ended up in koreys brothers kids room with andrew, laying on the tiny bed of a five year old, with dora the explorer and spongebob staring down at us. i dont remember how i got in there, but it was said that andrew carried me in. while we laid on the bed, we talked about having sex, but we did other things first. i wanted to but i didnt.
i let us lay there for a while so i could sober up enough to make my decision. we fooled around more and fell to the floor, tangled up in my tinkerbell throw in each others arms. we soon layed there and talked about how much we loved each other. i never believed in forever. he told me that night that it would be forever and that we could make it work. i trusted him. the words that he used that night still ring in my head. for christmas, he gave me a gold ring. i asked him about it and he told me it was a promise ring and he was too scared to tell me that it was. we talked about having sex. this definently was not how i wanted to do it. i wanted the whole get up, music, candles, etc. we always talked abotu making a cd for the first time and i didnt want to because we didnt have the cd made. the last song he wanted on that cd was "we're in this together" by nine inch nails. he told me that it wasnt fucking, since that was the word i was using to refer to sex. he told me it was making love and that he wanted to make love to me and that it would mean a lot. i told him to go get the condom, and he ran out to his truck to get it. i layed there, not that i remember much of my thoughts as i laid there waiting for him to come back to me. he came back and laid with me and i finally decided that this boy that i loved so much was to be my first. he entered me, and i let it go for a couple minutes, scared, but enjoying it. i told him to stop. and he pulled out, not finishing. we layed there with each other, and we ended up crawling back into the childs bed. i was happy. happiest that i had ever been in my life. the next morning i woke, and i couldnt help but smile. we left and went back to his house, soon to take me home to my mom who knew nothing that went on the night before.

that night after i was home, my sister questioned me about whether or not i was a virgin or not. i didnt say anything, i just couldnt stop smiling. that night, i layed in bed and began to think, what if i get pregnant. i was scared so i called him up to come over and talk to me because i was. i told him what i was scared of and he made an attempt to comfort me. then he asked the question "do you regret it". i answered real quick and said yes, and he didnt like that very much. he said he was hurt, blah blah. and thats the main part that i dont talk to people about much. from there on out, well, look at me now and thats what you get.

the promise and the threat

2010-01-17T22:34:00.002-05:00

im feeling worthless. lonely. careless. uncared for.

the numbness in my hands come and the mention of "drilling a wire through my cheek" from the lyrics of a song makes me think of pushing a wire through my arm and just let it bleed.

im home with incisions on my stomach, as my mom goes and hides in the bathroom for another ten minutes or so to come out and just annoy me to all ends of the earth.

my heart yearns for the smile of the people in the pictures on new years eve that i looked though
tonight.

why cant i smile like the people in those pictures. can it actually be for real? why cant it just stop being fake?

i close the images and tried to push it away with a high lighter and a C++ programming book.

i look for sailor moon on youtube to catch a small watch of an episode and it makes me smile.

it takes me back to a time when i didnt have to worry about finding myself. meeting people. going somewhere in life. money. depression. medications. earthquakes in countries and people who get away with drunken driving. nor did i have to worry about sitting at home while my sister walks out the door again to go have fun with a new person that she has met.

up until seventh grade, that was the last time i pretty much remember being really happy. but that's also the time when everything changes and you start needing to find yourself.
i found the darkness that i live in right now. did my clothes affect this? sure. did my music? yeah. i wont lie. all my friends that i did have pushed me away so i met others and as soon as i met them, i was pushed back into a hole. i didnt have my best friend anymore. she found her place to go. i found mine, and sad to say, neither one of us went to sailor moon like we did in elementary school. hers was in the church and mine was in Nine Inch Nails. It is still my comfort to this day. Besides hurt. i have found that i just cant listen to that song. it reminds me of times that i want to get away from, and the last Nails show in a long time.

my cat curls up to my legs and i think that she is one thing that i have in my life that rarely lets me down. besides when she is hyped up and doesnt want to come lay with me any other time but when its late at night or when i am upset. when i need it.

i wish she would talk to me.

done

2010-01-09T21:23:00.003-05:00

yesterday i decided that im done going to my current counselor. i cant waste my gas and time to go to a guy who doesnt know what the main reason is for being depressed. I have been going to Dr Warner for over a year now. probably about a year and a half. recently, ive been getting tired of going. first, when i did start going to him, i was having problems with tim and all my relationships. from that, it spawned everything that went wrong with me was tims problem. if i turned a guy down for something, tims fault, if i got into a fight with mom, tims fault. for all i know if i told him a dropped soemthing on the ground or made a wrong step any which way it was tims fault with him. reason why i came home from ball state, tims fault. i should have just stopped going then and there. well, i went to ball state, had a counselor there and he was pretty good. came back home. i didnt go for a while. and then i decided i had to go before something happened. well. it was fine for the most part until just the past couple weeks. one thing that set me off was when i discussed with him about the surgery that i am getting done on the fifteenth. it is an exploratory procedure because i have pain during sex. they dont know the cause, which is why they are doing the procedure. i was waiting for a while to talk to mom and dad about stuff. insurance, when i should, etc. all those things that might be of concern. well, he continued to tell me it was because im scared to do it and im too uncomfortable to talk about sex with my mom. which isnt true at all. its not like my mom doesnt know what is going on. it had absolutely nothing to do with anything about not talkign to my mom about sex. its totally irrelevent.

i was very pissed off after this meeting. i ahd another meeting and it wasnt too bad. friday, that was it. i was in there and he was asking about how my new years was. and i said just another day and began to mention something about andrew. and from there, it went down, i guess youcould say. he then said i didnt know how much andrew had hurt you. right there was my decision. andrew is a main cause of why i am today. so, i have been going to this guy for over a year now and he still cant tell me why i think the cause of my depression is and anything about andrew. anyone and pretty much everyone i know or meet knows at least the name, or a little something about andrew.

thats it. done. thats all over with. i called the counselor that my auto shop teacher and his wife suggested. she is under my insurance. i am also going to be going to a psychiatrist the first of february and hopefully something good will come out of that too.

monday, i plan to start my "diet" as well. so. im hoping that my resolutions are going to fall into place and i can get through this. get a better counselor, better eating habits, better medication, and maybe even an exercise routine to go with it.

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

2010-01-01T00:27:00.004-05:00

wow, 2010. i dont know if i can get used to this year. i miss the two zeros together...... not like it really matters at all. ha ha.

well, its the day i dread of the whole year. and yes, once again, i cried. even though im here with Steve. all he wants to do is sleep and this day doesn't matter to him it feels. hes so busy with work that i don't blame him. i just wish i could stop thinking about the past. in 2009 i found his myspace. i found that he has a baby. why cant i just move on and be happy. i mean, i feel like ive moved on. its just this night. this one night of the year where i just cant hold myself together about the situation. i had to go into the bathroom tonight so steve wouldnt see me cry because he would want to know why i was crying and i dont want to tell him it is because of my past. that just isnt the good thing to do.

well, onto other things from 2009 that made things worth while through the year, and some that weren't. 2009 seemed like a year for everything to go screwy with my car. from hitting trees in early january to getting my engine tore apart to fix the gasket and running over a curb and getting a flat tire that just happened yesterday. I'm hoping that this will soon end with my car and this year i have already started to save money for a new car.

looking back on music in 2009, it was a good year for nine inch nails. the last weekend in may, i went and seen them in three days in three different cities. then i seen them august 29th and that was the last time i will seem them in a long time. it was amazing. its the only thing that lifts me out of my depression for the most part. trent also got married and congrats to him. not only that i seen godsmack, and theory of a deadman and part of motley crue. And one of the biggest shocks of 2009 and this is on everyones list is the death of Micheal jackson.

As for friends. Heather got married to brandon in october of this year. Tim has a girlfriend who he has been with for a while. and i myself started dating again. I started dating steve august 29th. and as for liz, i changed her oil and drove her car off the ramps. go me. :( but her car is fine!

i have decided to set a few resolutions for myself as well. This year, i want to make myself better. Its all about me this year. I hope to start a feeling good "diet" very soon. within the first week of the year i hope. I have also said to get through my feeling good book and try some of the things that are in the book to try and better myself. i also want to start a new hobby, and that hobby is sewing. whether or not it will last long, im not sure, but it never hurts to try something new. i tried once and got very frustrated. i have already trying to better myself by booking a surgery for a health problem i am having and im getting that done in two weeks. its scary. but its only exploratory and i hope they find something. so, hope that everything turns out good for me!

happy new year to everyone and i hope its good for everyone.

I'm only happy when it rains

2009-11-29T18:10:00.002-05:00

Another weekend, and another battle with myself and depression. my negativity is starting to take a toll on steve and i. a small thing happened on thanksgiving, and i just wouldn't let it go. it was nothing according to him, and he just got fed up with me being worried about nothing, like i usually do. so yesterday, i just got really down in the dumps. thinking about how much this would be better if i had never fallen into this depression. he asks me to be positive, and wants me to be positive but its been so long since i have been positive about anything that its hard for me to do. so once again, i just broke down. wanted to cry. and thats what i did. it got bad last night. it got to the point where i just wanted to cut and cut and keep doing it until someone found me locked in the bathroom in the shower and maybe it would have been too late. i left my razor out of the shower because i didn't trust myself. i did lock myself in and just stood there under the hot water and cried. cried because i just don't want to do this anymore. mad because i feel like im wasting so much away. mad because i cant just wake up and make this go away and be positive about everything like a lot of other people do. i decided im going to try to find a new counsellor. i dont just want my whole depression battle to be with pills. i want someone to give me tips that i can do outside of counselling and not blame things on one person. i went to a counsellor so they wouldnt be biased. i just want someone who might actually help me. im not going very often right now, but i only seem to have bad weekends. I talked to skye last night about quite a bit, and it helped me get my mind off of how miserable i felt. it helped out a lot. its nice to talk to someone who has something similar going on as i do. or someone who can relate because people who don't know it doesn't know how it is. its not a week thing where you're sad. its a permanent sadness, is what it feels like. like everyday, nothing can be happy. its not because i choose to be this way. its not like i can drop this and turn away and it be just fine. it doesnt work that way. i cant just "get over it". that is the most overused term i have ever heard because it does not work that way. someday, ill see the sunshine after the rain.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone

2009-11-27T11:56:00.002-05:00

A day late, i know but i was busy yesterday. I had a great day! steve came over and pretty much spent the day with me. it was nice. i havent had a good thanksgiving like that since andrew. not that the a few of the others were horrible, im just glad i could make some new memories. I'm very thankful for steve to be in my life right now. I'm pretty thankful for how my life is slowly coming togehter. even though school is stressful and everything else is as well, i know its all happening for a reason. I'm finding that meaning is applying more and more as life goes on. i think about andrew after i seen his myspace and thinking about how that could be me with a baby and who knows what else could have happened, like not going to school or who knows what else could have happened. i wouldnt have tim in my life, or liz, or heather because i might have never gone to school. even steve. i would have possibly been miserable with andrew. who knows. even though when i was with him i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. and maybe i wouldnt have been upset or miserable. i don't know what may have happened, but i know my life wouldnt have been like it is now. and maybe i wouldnt have depression, but maybe it was hiding the whole time waiting for something else to happen and just ruin me even more and, just who knows.

school... nothing new... but maybe soon.

2009-11-05T23:47:00.002-05:00

so, i turned in another calculus quiz today. i got help with people from class and tutoring. i feel pretty confident about it. i'm hoping that its a good grade, it will help my overall grade. im feeling confident and worried about the class as well. i have yet to fail a class in college, and i'm hoping that this is not the first. i feel like computer science is going much better then what it was before. course i think i have my energy worked out better with the pills and i think its helping me concentrate in class a little more then what i was before cause all i wanted to do was sleep. now, its not so much.

i scheduled classes of next semester as well. i decided against taking two computer science classes and to take another core class and get it out of the way. i feel like i would be too overloaded like i was this semester. so, i think im going to take some more core classes over the summer. nothing more then 6 credit hours because that is full time for the summer, which shouldnt be too much. i'm afraid that if i dont do something this summer that its going to be bad like the last ones were. so, i don't really want to take the chance of it. i'd rather be busy and pretty happy then not busy and miserable, like all my other summers. they seem to get worse as they go on, and on. so i dont want to make this a trend.

another day.. another tear

2009-11-01T23:14:00.002-05:00

last night, i was bored and a little lonely on a halloween night. With steve in bed from a long day at work, I had nothing to do. But the Google search on my tool bar stared me in the face saying, search me, search for someone. I searched my name, which is always interesting to see how many names I can find of mine, and how many of me are in Germany. I'm apparently an author over there. Well, then came the thought, what if i searched for andrew again? last time i did, the only thing i found was his arrest for underage drinking. i searched a couple different ways. Andrew Ogden, Andrew Micheal Ogden, Andrew Ogden: Greensburg, IN. and up came a myspace profile of erin lovin, and in the description was the name batman(andrew ogden). i knew it was him. i went to the profile. and i think it was the erin i met when i went down there with him back in 05'. and there was andrew. a picture of him, a curly haired girl, sticking tongues out at each other and in her arm was a baby. his profile is on private so for right now, im pretty sure its him, but not one hundred percent. my heart started to beat faster. i gave up on the internet and went to lay down with steve. he was asleep of course. i choked back tears as i layed down because i told myself that i was no longer going to cry over him. a couple tears streamed and dripped off my nose onto my pillow and i began to think about all the good times. and then to think about the dark times that i had. now thinking, i had more dark times then i did with good times over andrew. But it still didn't matter. he was the first who i thought i would really marry. really be with for the rest of my life. But, as we all know, the fairy tale ending just doesn't happen.

today passed. i thought about him a lot today. i just couldn't help it. no way am i going to cry over it again, and no way am i going to be upset abotu it. its going on four years now. i still cant think of a day that goes by that i dont think about him. but i still try to think the positive. i could have gave everything up that i was so close to doing because nothing mattered to me anymore. i cant think to this day what really saved me beside my music. no one was there for me. i just went with the flow. i mean, liz was there. but i just cant face that i didnt really turn to her, and i just cut everything out of myself. swimming ended, tim and i ended, and my junior year was closing. that whole summer was a blur, even senior year was a partial blur, until swimming where i felt that someone might have cared about me. things with tim and i started and i quickly got myself together a little more. if it wasnt for swimming and my music, i might not have made it through.

when i walked across the stage at graduation, i wore the ring he got me. all i could think was, "You can't bring me down. I made it through after everything you did to me". I made it to Ball State and the September 26th date that we had started dating was the last time i could really remember crying over him. i had tim there to comfort me when no one else would. and i thank him for that.

here i am, four years later and i'm still crying. but its really not over him. today, i just think about how negative and how horrible i am, when im really not. i forgot to get a movie, and all i wanna do is beat myself up over it. i cant be a good girlfriend, i cant be a good friend, a good worker, a good daughter. i feel like i let so many people down, even myself. but i think i just leave myself down more then anything. and even tonight. i just wanna talk to steve about things but its so hard for me to open myself up about stuff when for four years i have learned to hold this stuff in because nobody wanted to listen. now i have someone who wants to listen and im just too afraid that im going to be criticized for my horrible thoughts abotu things. i just wish i could be positive. i wish i could think positive, talk positive, act positive. everything positive. but im not. im a big minus sign.

Can't you just take a joke??

2009-10-18T22:10:00.003-04:00

that is the question. can i? and this is the answer. no.

my boyfriend, family and friends constantly play jokes on me, or joke around with me by picking on me because i'm so easy to pick on. I'm very serious and i take every joke to the extreme and think that its a hit against me. I think that is part of my depression.

probably about seventh grade was when i started to take everything very seriously, atleast for what i can remember. all through elementary school I was picked on. Made fun of about the way i wore my hair, the short pants i wore, the people who were my friends. who knows what else. i was a total nerd and people would always pick on me for it. but what did i care? middle school came around i became embarressed by my friends from middle school. it brought one of my best friend and mines relationship down. maybe this was were my depression seed was planted. i dont know if i became concerned with what people thought about me, but i never really think that i think that at all. if that makes sense.
eight grade came around and the summer before this i started listening to nine inch nails. it was so insane how fast i got into them. it was crazy. i just loved the music. so, i decided to change my self. I started to wear black nail polish. people at school gave me "goth" pants, and i started wearing all black. i collected band shirts and hanging out with other people. I was just as much embarressed by these people like i was with my friend. but i hung out with them still and held that embarressment inside hoping to keep it hidden and to move on without it.
i got to high school and i felt the same. i remember feeling that with my first boyfriend, and with andrew, and even in college with heather when we would run around campus. well, when she wanted to run around campus and i didnt want to because i felt too embarressed.

i forgot where i was going with this for a second, but now i remember. With the easy embarressment i feel like that was what transformed me into this person that is serious about everything. Even today, when i am with my family and my sister is acting stupid, i still feel embarressed. she is so carefree, and not worried about what people think of her. except when dad talks too much. i'm just embarressed all the time.

another thing that i think of with seriousness is when i feel like i laugh too much. i always tried to hide my laughing, and now that i think of it, why would i do that?? i don't know now that i look back. another thing that i can think of in the past is when we were coming back from a trip somewhere and she was making fun of me i think and i was reading where the red fern grows, and i just started to cry. it was a mix of the dogs dying in the book and elle making fun of me i think. i lied about it to my mom and told her it was because of the book, but i think it was mainly because elle was making fun of me.

well, back to my point. i'm very serious and this is one thing i would like to change about myself. And with this, i think my depression will change, or lift. I think my seriousness has quite a bit to do with that. Its sunday night and i couldnt sleep. my mind keeps racing about this thing with seriousness. So i thought that i needed to do some research and find out what kind of self help is out there since i dont feel my counsellor will help me. and maybe this will help me with sticking to some kind of goal as well.

One site I found was about improving depression. I think i might throw this in there as well and start laying some goals down and some times to reach those goals. and hope that i cna do that, and not fail. maybe it will make me feel better about myself, and better about things with school. Although I feel like i'm doing better with my depression, i don't feel like im doing anything to help myself beside these stupid pills that i am taking.

I also wen to the doctor last week and was weighed. I was 140 pounds. i don't feel fat. im just not comfortable with that weight i guess. I would like to start trying to lose like, ten pounds or something. I need to start working out because if i dont lose weight, which i dont think i need to lose much if any at all, but i need to tone up because i dont feel comfortable with the way i look.

Here are my new goals:

start on a Depression "relief" diet. (October 26th is when i want to begin)
A slow work-out schedule (October 26th is when i want to begin)
start writing about the good things in life: even if its something minor

For now, these two goals are two that I want to work on. I guess its not much of anything and its not much of a goal since i dont have a date to get things done on. Lets say, Christmas? I think that might be a good goal. If i achieve it before, then great. I need people to help me achieve these goals, especially the diet one. =/

Halfway thorugh the bottle

2009-10-14T22:25:00.003-04:00

I'm about halfway through my 150 mg bottle of Welbutrin and then I will start on my 300 mgs. I'm curious as to how much it is going to help, if it does anything at all.
I'm hoping that it will give me the boost in energy i want. The winter months are coming, and the rainy and overcast days that we are having now are not going the greatest for me. I'm just so back and forth with everything. One minute I'll be content and the next I will be wanting to do god knows what. the next i'll be wanting to cry and the next im just numb with an empty mind. I have counselling tomorrow and I'm almost to the point where I just don't know what to say any more. anything I have to think of to say i feel its just the same ol' song and dance. usually i try to think of things that are bothering me. right now, i guess it's just school. i dont feel like i'm doing what i am supposed to, but i like what i'm doing. but i feel like a failure when i can't even get the assignments for my computer science class done on time. it frustrates me. i know that not everyone can get it on time. but there is this old guy in my class who pretty much kicks everyones ass. it bugs me. he has also had previous learning of C++ i think and that just annoys me a LOT. he has probaly gotten all a's on his assignments. i tjust really annoys me to no end. i went to tutoring today and the guy totally changed my whole program when i thought it was working just fine! its working again, but its not the point. I had just one little problem and he totally changed everything from that one problem. it just got me very frustrated and annoyed. which all comes to easy. but not as bad and it had done before. well, lets hope that things wrok out. im sure they will but its just frustrating right now.

i have been waiting to hear from the vocational rehabilitation people and i was really hoping that i would. what should i have figured. not good enough for that either. it hasn't been the two weeks that they said it would be, but its close. i'll keep hoping or maybe even call there again.

back to the doctor

2009-10-08T21:23:00.002-04:00

yesterday morning i went to the doctor because i needed more refills on my Wellbutrin. whoopie. i talked to him about stuff. he decided to up the dose on it. how grand. he thinks it will help my energy levels. maybe it will. im hoping it does because i feel like im drifting on no sleep, even though i sleep for hours. last night, i got eight and a half hours, and then came home again and slept for two. i had to make myself get up. lets hope that it helps me out.

Vocational Rehabilitation

2009-10-06T14:44:00.002-04:00

so, my counselor suggested to me the other day that there is a program available for people with mental disorders. they give grants. he thinks that my depression has affected my schooling enough that i could be able to get the grants. i called today and they say that within the next two weeks that i might find out. this might be good for me. based on what my counselor was saying that they would basically reimburse me for what the people at FASFA are giving me in student loans. It is said to cover my living expenses too. so maybei might be able to get my own place. that might be nice. ive been dreaming of that for a long time. we'll just see what happens with things.

Life and all its little wonders

2009-09-29T14:25:00.002-04:00

I've been dating steve for a little over a month now. I really like him, but i'm finding out that i don't like his sarcasticness very much. i dont think thats a word but oh well. but other then that, ive been happy. i love laying next to him and waking up next to him the next morning. he really is a nice guy.

i'm very frustrated with school still. i failed my first math test with a horrible 'F'. im on my third computer science program and i have yet to turn it in on time. Last night, i just wanted to quit, not go to classes, give up. fail, cause i feel like thats what im going to end up doing anyways. i'm still having a hard time figuring out if i still belong doing this computer science stuff since ive been struggling so much with it right now. i still like it. but its just getting me very frustrated. i feel like i over think everything, which seems to give me the most problem.

as for my social life, its going well, like ive said with steve. tim is still in my life, and i finally met his girlfriend a couple weeks ago. I miss us being single and just hanging out like we did. but i really like my social life right now. i just wish that steve wouldn't have such a problem with him. i would probaly see him a little more then once every couple weeks. but oh well. im happy now. and i dont want to upset steve. ill just put things on hold until i get the trust i want steve to have in me. i've also been talking to quite a few people in my computer science classes, which is a big thing for me since i never usually do that. maybe the medication is working for the best.

ive also become very bitter against people again, whether or not i was never bitter to them or not, im not sure. with work on the weekends, im constantly battlling with Martins #10 about them doing my job when they are not supposed to. i had a worker at the store get an attitude with me when i am the person who is supposed to be doing the job, not him. but oh well. i also have been fixing everyone elses poor jobs that they are doing at the stores. whehter they are just lazy, or they dont know how to do their job, im not sure. but its annoying any way you look at it because i am not a person who just lets a poor job go by. its just very frustrating.

well, i guess thats my life update. not much more to say i dont think.

Boys, School, and Boys.

2009-09-17T23:33:00.002-04:00

Early August, I went on a date with a man named Steve Carter. It was a nice night, and I enjoyed it a lot. He is very different from anyone who I have dated before. He doesn't listen to my kind of much, which I really miss because music is my life. He likes music, but not my kind of music. But anyways, I went to his apartment for our "second date" and it was nice. He seems like a nice guy. Some topics came up that I didn't want to surface right away on the third and forth "dates". He quickly found out about my past with someone and he really didn't like that very much. Here I thought that I ruined any chances of calling him my own.
August 29th it was a day to remember for now. I had Nine Inch Nails that night, and Steve asked me to be his girlfriend this day as well. It was a happy day.
But he still seems to have a problem with those issues of the past. I really wish he would let it go, but I'm sure it is easier said then done. It just really bothers me. I wish it didn't but I'm sure he has his reasons for it bothering him. I wish it didnt bother me either. Its been months since anything has happened between us, and I intend on keeping it that way.

School is going rough for me right now. I feel like I'm struggling, especially with computer science since i can't seem to get my program to work at all. And math, Ive failed two quizzes so far. I have a test on thursday and i hope i can catch up on it.

Day 7- Back to the old

2009-07-31T18:55:00.004-04:00

Last saturday, i started back on my old medication. i was miserable on the pristiq and i just couldnt take it anymore. i told my doctor to take me off and i went back on my old medication, starting at twenty mg, and boosting it up to forty.

saturday was one of the worst days that i have lived in a long time. at work, i felt worthless. i had to make myself go to work, and i just couldnt keep the idea of killing myself off of my mind. i had no plan, but i was so scared. i didnt want to stay home alone, and that god my family was home sick so i wouldnt be alone. i was very scared as to what i was going to end up doing. i dont cut, and i dont have any plan to do anything. it just wouldnt leave my mind. it is still in the back of my mind, but since saturday, it has been relieved. i boosted my MG's of my medication up to fourty from twenty, and i still think that i need to up the dose.

yesterday, i felt good. all of my friends text messaged me to see how i was doing. i felt great. today, not so much. i thought things were getting better. tim decided to message me today to tell me his girlfriend was over last ngiht and that he was "sore" from the night. i dont wanna know this. i mean, honestly. i dont think he understands at all. so, he ended up making plans with me on thursday, but i have high doubts that he is going to follow through with it.

i just want this to go away. i want my life back to how it was where my friends were single and they had time to do things with me. i know they care, but i dont feel like they do. i feel alone, tired of being the only single one of my friends. i dont really know what i want. i want someone, but then again i wanna be fixed so i dont scare people off with my depression.

i also think i need at new counsellor. he is constantly blaming things on tim, when it isnt. i can tell you that today was a day that he as gotten under my skin. i just wish he would understand how i really feel, and i wish i could tell him how i really feel about things. he just doesnt take things very well.i know how he is.

i want someone to help me. let me know that you are out there. i need you.

Week 1-Day 5

2009-07-13T22:13:00.002-04:00

this is my fifth day of the second week that I have been on my new medication, and its feeling as if nothing is working. Today and yesterday was the first time that I have felt some what decent then what I have been feeling since friday. Friday, I just lost it when I seen my best friend updated his profile to in a relationship with a picture of him with her. I wasn't bothered by that, I was more disturbed with myself and thinking about how it seems as if all of my friends are deserting me for the people who they just meet and not their friend who has been there for years. i havent seen him in weeks, and my other friend likes to bail on plans occasionally, and the other one is too far away.

my mind began to contemplate why he hadn't talked to me in a few days, and i began to wonder how real he was, if he was true to me as a friend, and my mind began to think that all my friends were fake, that they were a lie in my life, and nothing of me mattered to them. i got pulled out when they began to question my status and i realized that i dont want to hurt them and push them out of my life. i just wished that they didn't try to push me out of their lives when someone else comes along, and thats what it really feels like.

i cried friday, and it seemed as if it wasn't going to end. saturday, i still felt nothing at all, except the familiar tingles of numbness that happens in my hands when i think about what it would feel like if i just did away with myself then my friends wouldnt have to listen about my lonesomeness all the time and they can just go on with their new people. and yet, i think about my friends, and their reaction to this, and how i will never try it. ive tried to hold it back again, for a long time i was telling everyone what i was feeling, but my mind is making me think that there is no reason to tell them because its just for attention from my friends because i'm not the center of their lives. am i selfish? i dont know. maybe i am, or this is just coming with the depression, making me feel selfish, not wanting to be alone and if i dont see my friends for a while that im going to be deserted and alone for the rest of my life.

im scared as to where my life is going to go. am i going to fail out of school, even though im on deans list, which i don't exactly care about makin too much. i reached the goal i set, but i feel nothing about it. just a big emptiness toward it. am i going to find no one and all my friends go off on their own with the people they meet, and ill be their only single friend who lives with 40 cats and whom they come visit occasionally when they dont have any other plans. i hope none of my friends who read this don't get offended. this is just the way i feel right now. i hope to be lifted out of this soon.

I made it to Tennessee today. It was a fine drive down, and as soon as I seen many of the people walking around smiling and having a great time, holding hands and walking by the numerous wedding chapels that are around the city, and of course my mind wanders to how I might never make it to a wedding chapel, or even my own wedding.

day 3

2009-07-04T23:11:00.004-04:00

my clean laundry piles in my chair next to my bed, and my dirty piles in front of the chair, hoping some day that i will wash them, only to know that they will only move about a foot to the chair, or to the basket in my closet until i get the motivation to throw it into the chair to wash my work shirts, which i am tired of washing already.

this is my third day on my new anti depressant, Prisitiq. it takes weeks before it shows signs of working, and im thinking that my wrinkled laundry and un matched socks are going to love the signs if they ever do show because maybe then will i have some sort of motivation to do soemthing with them. same with my white carpet, which is speckled with black cat and dog hair and blue bits from the blanket in the living room.

my desk is covered in a container of brownies with a checkbook on top, stared over by my fairy clock that ticks away but doesnt work very well. batteries sit to my left, whether they work or not, i may never know. there are also Candy Hearts and M&Ms sitting there for me to eat but my tooth hurts pretty bad right now, that it is sensitive to pop and water. pictures of trent are under the brownies from when i took them off my wall, not knowing what else to do with them, since he is pretty much the only person in my life that hasn't really let me down, i dont want to hide them, but show the world how much i love that man.

my cats are begging for food, along with my dog, and all i can think about is if it is ever going to get better. sure you say it might, but will it? truthfully??

i try to swallow my pill with no water, knowing that sometimes it goes down easy, and sometimes, it just sticks in your throat and dissolves into a nasty taste. i can almost compare that to life i think.

Depression, my battle, where it began, and where it is now?

2009-07-02T23:47:00.001-04:00

this past summer i was diagnosed with depression. I started going to a counselor and wouldnt admit it to anyone. im growing more comfortable with the fact that i am battling depression and trying to make myself better. this is nothing to take offense to if you do read it. and i hope it isnt too shocking for anyone, and nor is it for anyone to take offense to. most of this is in the past.

yesterday, i watched a video in my wellness class about suicide and depression. this just really made me mad and made me want to cry and run out of there. i wish the people in the video realized how hard it is to let people know that you are depressed and possibly having suicidal thoughts. why would anyone tell someone who asks them if they are having suicidal thoughts or not. honestly, when i was asked when i started going to counseling, i was too scared to tell anyone that i was thinking about harming myself, even though the thoughts were not that bad. ive just started to tell people this. its not easy to do at all. i need to cause the thoughts seem to get worse. even if they dont occur all the time. i can think of only two times where i have harmed myself and that was in middle school. why, i have no idea. i think back, and it was the stupidest thing ever.

so i began thinking about where my depression really started. is it genetic? i don't know of anyone in my family with diagnosed depression. i have heard that my cousin has bipolar disorder, but i have never heard if that is true or not. no one has ever told me about anything dealing with depression in either side of my family. maybe that was why i was so scared to think that i have depression.

thinking back, i can think of a time with tim perkins, where he wanted me to go with him to a church group and i didnt want to go at all. i didnt know why. i just didnt want to. wanted to stay at home and play on my computer all night. i think that was forth grade.

maybe it was because people used to pick on me in elementary. it wasn't anything that i was insanely upset about, but deep down it hurt. i just carried on my merry way with my cartoons and fantasy life of sailor moon. its not like i never had any friends.i had the best friends i could ask for at that time. running around the playground playing sailor moon. i can remember in third grade when everyone wanted to sit by me, and there wasn't enough for people to sit by me. i can't even remember another time since then when i had felt so accepted by people.

sixth grade was when rachel and i started to fight, and argue. maybe this had an affect, because i was losing my best friend that had been there since preschool, sat with me on the bus from day one. and now, there were other people, sarah and kayla. she never wanted to come over to my house. i never did know why. i practially lived at her house, and she never wanted to come over to my house. our arguements carried on until the eighth grade where we just totally stopped talking. maybe i wasn't the friend i should have been. we have since healed that and we are both sorry for things we have done to each other in the past and we are both trying to make the most of it even though both of us have changed and have different interests. but we dont care. we're practically sisters.

i can remember another time where i made myself go to things with band for seventh and eighth grade. i never watned to go to concerts anymore. i loved playing my flute. maybe it was things that was going on with jenna and andrea, since we had been friends for so long, but people change. that wasn't it though, and nor is that something to take offense to. i remember my cat getting injured and then i just stopped going to honro band, then i didnt want to go to marching band, or even the other things that i had to do, i never did want to. i dont know what it was. maybe that was when i first started to show signs of depression. i eventually ended up quitting band after my freshman year in high school, to only pick it up again my sophmore year in college, but only to drop it again.

seventh grade was when i had my first crush on a guy. patrick k. i cant even remember how to spell his last name. i was rejected. of course. maybe this greatly dropped my self esteem. something did at one point. i crushed on him until eighth grade, until after i started to listen to nine inch nails. probably about half way through that year was when i stopped liking him. who knows. but that was really stupid, and thinking back, a total waste of time.

another time i can remember is when i was at a coworker of my dad's house. and there, people were saying, don't put on that fake depression act, where i was sitting in a chair by myself. maybe i wasn't. it might not have been an act. my black make up and clothes might have emphasized it. but i never wanted to admit it. i wanted to prove people wrong i guess.

or maybe it was when andrea clark and i stopped talking. that situation was so stupid. who knows why we stopped talking and why we were so mad at each other. its so far in the past that i cant remember what it was. maybe because i thought was too good. maybe she was too busy to talk to me. i dont know, but its in the past. it was just another friend to lose. maybe that pushed my depression a little more, not wanting to let another girl into my life because i was tired of being hurt by my friends.

josh was my first boyfriend. hes not one that i talk about much. i cant stand to talk about him. that is not something that i am happy about in my past life. but at the time, i guess i was. i had fits of anger for no reason at all. maybe that was another sign of my depression. i cant really remember anytimes where i was trying to go out any where at this time, and didn't want to. i wouldnt say i noticed anything about depression until he broke up with me. even then, i was quick to get over it.

my junior year in high school as when my severe depression came about, or atleast more of the signs. everyone knows the story. andrew ogden. the break up. the worst thing that has happened to me. there is no use in telling the story again. everyone knows theyve heard it more then once. his words ring in my head to this day, almost three years later "promise me that you wont be depressed". i told him i couldnt make that promise because i was going to be depressed. maybe he knew i had depression and he knew what he was doing to me.who knows about that either.

i never did get help. in health classes, when they talked about depression, i wondered if i was and i just ignored it. i finally resorted to getting help when tim told me that i needed help, and that he wasnt talkign to the same person anymore. its not a good thing to hear your best friend telling you that he isn't talking to the same person he has talked to for years before. so i went to counseling, and passed up my stubbornness and went on anti depressants, which i am still not comfortable taking to this day. and its been quite a few months.

its a battle i hope to win. i will try everything i can, and i probably will never know the real cause of it. it just might be the chemical imabalances in my brain.

alone

2009-07-02T23:09:00.002-04:00

how i feel. ive been battling with my lonesomeness starting from the beginning of the summer it seems. why is it the summer that always makes me feel like this?

the one who i want, doesnt want me. the ones who want me, i dont want. and no, i dont think its because of the one i want. i could be wrong, but i dont think so. all of my friends are with someone, and yet again, im the only one who is without. i cant help but feel this way, and im sure i have already offended one of my friends with the comment. i love them, dont get me wrong. i just feel like outside of a party that i wasnt invited to, thanks to dane cook for that one.

i almost feel like im going to be stubborn like this for the rest of my life. and why is it the weekend when i start to feel bad! i feel so lonely, and liek no one is going to come along. i havent felt like i have been looking, they tell you not to.

i just dont know what else to type. i hate the fact that i am in love with my best friend, and he's too scared to lose our friendship. im not too worried about nothing happenning between as long as i have him in my life, i dont care if we get married or not.

i dont konw what else to say now. no one is going to read it, and when they give me advice, ill just shrug it off and call it annoying, and be stubborn about it. i wish i could change myself, but im afraid i will never be able to.

Yoga Poses and Depression

2009-06-06T18:00:00.004-04:00

i did yoga yesterday morning at my salon for 41 minutes. the rest of the day, i felt relieved, fine, and only a little bit depressed.

today, another story. its been a wretched day, i guess you could say. it could be worse. i went to go to work this morning and my car wouldnt start. it still sits in my driveway because i havent managed to get my father out there to look at it. i feel like nothing, and like nothing matters, and no one cares. like im going to be alone for the rest of my life and no one would care that im not here, even though i know its not true.

i feel like i feel like im losing my only friend from ball state, my other best friend has found a "girlfriend", even though he has still been talking to me, i havent seen him in almost a week. i miss hanging out with him, and i miss talking to my other friend from ball state. my other best friend, her boyfriend broke up with her, and i still cant manage to push myself to go see her. i know how she's feeling, but i cant manage to do it. i dont know if it because of my depression. i hate to be a baby about all this, but i just hate it. i hate that my happiness is dependent on a man, and on medication that i take all the time. am i realy dependent on a man?? ive been feeling like this for a while, even before he got his girlfriend. is that even it? im sure it is adding to it, but so is everything else, with my car not starting, friends leaving me behind, seeing ex boyfriends at work all the time, and they dont bother to help me when some bread almost topples on top of me.

there is my vent for now. i dont feel better though.........

Clarkston: Day Three

2009-06-01T22:14:00.002-04:00

We left south bend at about Twelve thirty, and finally made it to Clarkston about four thirty, and got checked into the hotel. We sat around for about a half hour, cooled off the room, and unpacked our stuff for the night. The room we got was very nice, and I will totally visit back there. There was a lake right outside the back of the place, and it was a great price for what you got. We left for the venue about 515 and got there in a very short time. We waited in line for about 10-15 minutes before we got in. The venue was really nice! One of the nicest i have ever been to. The landscaping was nice, and it was very comfortable.

Street Sweeper Social Club was very good yet again. No complaints, except I kind of wished that they changed up their set list instead of playin the same thing, but when you are a new artist, that's what happens. You people should check out their new CD that comes out June 16!

Nails came on abotu 730, and i was very dissapointed because they didnt last for much more then an hour, which i kind of wondered if it was because of the venue and being on a sunday night. Their set list was this that night:

Now I'm Nothing
Terrible Lie
Sin
march of the pigs
Piggy
The Frail
The Wretched
Discipline
Burn
Gave Up
La Mer
Lights in the Sky
Non-Entity
The Downward Spiral
Wish
Survivalism
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like a Hole

Not much more to say about them now! It was great to see Non-Entity and Lights in the Sky and Now I'm Nothing. the seats we had were great, and we didn't bother to stay through Jane's because Tim nor I really liked them, so we just left and went back to the hotel and relaxed for the night, and to be off early the next morning.

It was a very nice weekend and i really enjoyed myself, which i am glad about.

Noblesville: Day Two

2009-06-01T21:54:00.003-04:00

Noblesville, IN was the second of my Nine Inch Nails following. It was probably the best of the three. I was very amazed. It rained a little bit on the way down there, but nothing of concern. I didn't check the weather before I left because I really wasn't worried about it. We got there, and had to wait in line for like, EVER to get into the doors. there were a lot more people there then when I seen them back in July of '06 with my mom. I dont know if that was on account of Janes Addiciton or not. oh well.

We got to our seats, and by this time, Street Sweeper Social Club was already playign, about half way into their first song. It was just as great as the first time, but it was Tom Morellos' birthday, so they whole audience sang happy birthday to him. :D it was awesome.

Nine Inch Nails then came on. It was very awesome, once again. The setlist was as follows:

Home
1,000,000
Discipline
March of the Pigs
Piggy(Nothing can stop me now)
Metal
Meet Your Master
Head Down
I Do Not Want This
Gave Up
The Fragile
The Downward Spiral
Wish
Survivalism
Mr Self Destruct
Physical (You're So)
Good Soldier
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like a Hole
Hurt (Encore)

About half way through Nails set, the clouds started to build up. There was lightning as well, shortly after. I thoguht it was going to be amazing to watch nails during a storm, but i am also afraid of thunderstorms. Well, I wasnt worried about it too much until the guy behind me came back to his seat and asked if we had heard the tornado sirens going off. Then I got scared. It poured and i was very amazed that the venue didnt do anythign about the fact that there were tornadoes in the area. But, besides the storm, it wasw very awesome, and now I think about it, it was very cool to see nails duringa storm. The girl I met on NIN.com was at this show, and i got to meet her for the first time. She was on the floor, right in front of trent, front row. i was jealous. she later messaged me when janes was on and said that she got trents water bottle. I was SOO jealous then.

Janes addiction Finally came on. The storm had passed at this point, and we only stayed for about three songs of Janes set. Dave Navarro looked pretty awesome, but that was proly the only good part about it. They had great energy. The lead singer apparently sings from his balls, which is probably why he sounds like he does when he does sing.

We finally made it home about two thirty, and the next day was Clarkston, Michigan show.

Chicago: Day One

2009-05-30T10:38:00.005-04:00

Chicago was amazing! We got there in good time and we stood in line for about....2 1/2 hours maybe?? I dont know. We payed 20 bucks to park, and later found out that we could have parked for free since they already had charged us for parking on the tickets we bought.
We finally got in and made it in front of the center of the stage, even though it wasn't very close...but its still my favorite spot. Then, I turned and the creepsters from the Fort Wayne show were there and they made a B-Line right for me. luckily, we soon lost them and they didnt get a chance to steal my shit like they tried to do at Fort Wayne. Other people i happened to notice was a guy with argyle pink arm warmers with long hair that was in braided pigtails.

Street Sweeper Social Club went on before eight even, which was nice. They rocked! Tom Morello was very awesome, and I enjoyed watching him. Glad its only the first time I seen him of this weekend and I'll get to see him two more times. Hopefully they play some other songs tonight and tomorrow.

Then Nine Inch Nails came on. The show was awesome. The set list followed as this:

Somewhat Damaged
Terrible Lie
Heresy
March of the Pigs
Piggy
Metal
The Becoming
I'm Afraid of Americans
Burn
Gave Up
The Frail
La Mer
The Fragile
Gone, Still
Underneath it All
Wish
Survivalism
Mr Self Destruct
Suck
The Day The World Went Away
Hurt
Hand That Feeds
Head Like a Hole

We were on the floor for the show, and we tried to get fairly close, but people were being jerks about it. everyone pushed forward, which was expected, but it got really really bad. It was so bad I wasn't able to breathe, and neither could Mark's girlfriend. he almost got into a fight with the guy next to us because we were accidently pushing but that was because of other people were pushing as well, so the guy got a case of the ass. We ended up moving back so we could actually enjoy the show a little better. It went much better back further. Between Suck and The Day The World Went Away, Trent announced how it was the last tour that Nails will be doing, and it was very sad. During Hurt, I bawled like a baby!! I was surprised that it was the only time i really cried on the tours.

We made it back abotu two thirty after almost getting lost in Chicago.

My 3 Day "Vacation"

2009-05-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

Tonight is the first of my Nine Inch Nails Adventure. Chicago with Street Sweeper Social Club, Followed by Nails. Then tomorrow, Indy with those two plus Janes Addiction. Sunday, the third and final day with the same people in Clarkston Michigan. This is the "Wave Goodbye" tour with Nine Inch Nails. I will write here each night [i hope] and let you know how it goes! and if not for you, for me to remember this unforgettable weekend [that doesnt make sense]

Here we go to CHICAGO!!!

its a lonely ol' night

2009-04-23T23:26:00.003-04:00

its another lonely night. its like, the third one in a row this week. I dont know why i have been feeling this way but it is driving me nuts. i thought i was finally happy, and maybe i am, but i just want someone.
but how can i want someone if that is the one thing that i am afraid of. i dont know what to do about this. sometimes, i just want to be with him, but i know that isnt going to work, not now, prolly not ever. i dont know what to do about that either.

is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life? am i going to be too scared to get into a relationship, but be lonely all at the same time.

what to do, what to do.

so proud!

2009-04-09T12:17:00.003-04:00

i love you.....
im here for you...
always

i feel so useless

2009-04-04T00:24:00.003-04:00

i try to be a friend. i really do. i just never feel up to par. i miss heather a lot, and she doesnt even believe that i do. it really bothers me. there are a lot of things that bother me that i just keep in. ugghhhhh. it makes me feel useless and horrible. she is one of my best friends, and of course i miss her! i think about how she is doing all the time, and atleast try to talk to her all the time. i went down to visit her, and if i had more money, i would go down there more often.
i just dont think its fair. i mean, i guess it wouldnt be related to fairness. i know there are things that go through her mind where she doesnt think she matters to anyone else because they are happy doing other things. i was miserable at ball state, but that was not because of her at all. thats for sure. she made me happy to be there for the time i was there! if it wasnt for her, i would have left long ago, and she was the reason why i went back this after this summer cause i didnt want to then. im happy here in south bend, yes, dont get me wrong, but i miss her a lot too and i even wish she could be here as well, and then maybe she would be happy too! i wish there was something i could do to help her be happy and love life like i am slowly starting to do. i worry about her on a daily basis, espeically about her health. it scares me the most. i wish i could be there to help with that, but i couldnt when i was there, and there was no way that i was leaving because of it. i think im starting to ramble on because im late, and now im hurt, so now i will just start to ramble on more and more im sure, and probaly in the end, ill piss someone off and hurt someone like i normally do. :(
i feel so useless as a friend.

dream...journal...for real this time

2009-04-01T23:19:00.004-04:00

i created a dream journal today. i am very happy to start this, i might just start to examine them more. i hope..something like that.

check it out:

http://onlyinmydreams-ninreznorgirl.blogspot.com/

missing Nine Inch Nails concert?!?

2009-03-31T17:35:00.003-04:00

never in my life would i ever let this happen, but last night I dreamt that i was missing the saturday nine inch nails show in may because i forgot about it and had to work! i couldnt believe it was happening in my dream. i was at wal mart with my sister helping me work and i realized that i was going to miss nine inch nails. so, i some how left work, and was driving through the ghetto with Street Sweeper on, and of course, they say the 'N' word in the song, so the people in the ghetto didn't like it very much. of course. i ended up getting to the show, i dont knwo how because it was the one in indianapolis. i got there and it was a sit down place, and julia greenwood was there, and she was mad at me because she didn't want to be there that early.

i guess its a fear that i have that i might miss a nine inch nails concert or something would happen that i would not be able to go to one.

i really think im going to turn my blog into a dream journal because those are the only exiciting things that happen in my life anymore. haha.

Last night, this morning

2009-03-30T22:33:00.002-04:00

i think i should just make my blog my dream diary. lol. ive been having really strange ones lately, and i havent even been telling anyone about them, which is strange. most of the time is because i dont think that i can really remember them, but i sit in classes all day and ponder what i was dreaming and try to remember them because something sets my mind off to what happened or if i had dreamt about it.

last night, i think i was in a castle, and people were chasing after me, and firing long harpoon things at me. I think i managed to retreat to a modern basement in this castle, where there were some guys that i went to high school with, i think it was chris bolka, and stephen piazza(who i never talked to)and they were playing video games in a room that looked very similar to one at the student center at BSU. Even while i was in the basement, the lady who was firing things at me was still taking aim at me, so i ran upstairs and outdoors into crowds of people who were on spring break maybe? but i dont remember how, but some other guys got mixed up with me and we were seperated in groups like slaves and cattle. i remeber being in a room with two other guys, and a bed in the middle that moved. Lasers suddenly appeared and aimed at any movement that was there, and i was not allowed into the bed because there wasnt room, so i had to roll aroudn the floor to get away from the lasers. next thing i know, i was in showers where i had to shower in front of everyone because there were no curtains. i dont remember much more but i think what i did manage to remember was crazy enough

dreams

2009-03-02T01:11:00.003-05:00

the other night, i had a dream about beau. it has been the second one that i have had about him in the past two weeks or so. the first one was just whatever, the second, was a little more, even though i dnot remember too much, just yelling at him and running into a bathroom to be comforted by liz and to soon take a soothing shower. i dont want to think about him, he's not in my life, things are done, and im happy with the way things are. or am i?

i miss him. or maybe i just miss the cuddling and the constant compliments and the constant text messaging, and just having someone there. but i feel like im happy the way things are, but maybe deep down, im not, and im just a little hurt still. i don't know how to explain it, or what to even think about it.

i think its just the night time thing, that my medication from the day wears off and i just sit here and think more about things. a number of things cross my mind, and i just dotn know what to think abotu them at all or even what to write about, and if i do think of something, i dont know if i am comfotable with putting them on the internet.

i dotn know what i miss.

maybe just seeing a nine inch nails concert. haha.

nightly lonesomeness and commercials

2009-02-24T17:34:00.001-05:00

during the day, im fine. i sit in bed and study at night, and this seems to be the time i think of the day, and reflect. i'm not alone, i have my friends, and im so happy with being single. but yet again, i have a second thought about how im not and how i want to be with someone.

i still think about what my counsellor at ball state asked me about why i think life should revolve around love. one thing i really think about is when they advertise things like, match.com and eharmony, and all those things. i feel like those are just pressure for someone to be with someone else. you can live without a significant other. i have found this out. these commercials seem to just put pressure on a single person that they need a significant other, when one doesnt always need one. i always wondered before i had my first boyfriend when that would finally happen and i mourned being alone. years later, i learn that you dont need a significant other to not be alone, all you need is your friends.

im not alone, so why do i feel like it?

today is a day to feel alone

2009-02-16T23:33:00.002-05:00

its 11:30 on a monday night, and i think about beau.

why do i feel lonely? i couldnt tell you right now. i also think about some of the reasons and some of the possible hidden reasons, especially behind beau and i's break up. was it because i was fearing what i knew was not true? the same with andrew? am i cursed to be alone for the rest of my life because i fear things too often? so far, tim has been the one to stick it out with me, even though we are not boyfriend, girlfriend, which is fine with me right now. is this how it is going to be with everyone that i am eventually with? how can i cut back this fear and not worry about things that may just ruin my life. in the end, i might be cursed and not be able to have children in the end and the by that time, it already has been too late for atleast one.

i am not capable of being loved? am i capable of loving someone back, or letting someone in and not being able to trust someone knew without getting hurt. i just dont know what to do anymore. i go back and forth with the feelings of loneliness and even my stupid depression. i feel like i am fine one day, and the next, i want to be with someone, or let someone in.

i'm lost in my life. where do i go? do i like this computer science stuff? i think so. i read up more on jobs and i liek what i could be getitng myself into, i just wish i could jump ahead about five years and see where i am at. i want my own place, i want my own family, with my pets and boyfriend, fiance, or husband, i want to know where my career is going, or even just starting out in my career. even if half of that happens in five years, i would be happy with that.

i wish i could make things work with him, but i dont look forward to that happening, and like i have said before, im just happy with him being my best friend. that works just fine for me.

i read in a book today about someone with depression and one of the things that help grow out of it is social support. i think that is one thing that is helping me grow out of this a little bit.

okay, thats my rant for the day. i think i feel better, all the other stuff in my head won't come out into words.

money and friends.. part deux

2009-02-15T17:16:00.002-05:00

well, my other friends birthday is coming up. i have a total of 53.00 in my bank account and she wants me to join her in grand rapids for the weekend. oh how much i would love to go, but i am afraid that i will not be able to because i cannot afford it. i worked a whole seven and half hours this weekend and i will get about as much money as i did for this week, 54.00, and i cannot afford to take off.

someone help me... i am going to end up disappointing my friends because i cannot afford things to go do with them, and will be slaving over work on the weekends. atleast i am trying to save money and then....ahh fuck.....that will prolly end up going to school. :( stupid stuff. i wish my friends knew how much i care and how much i would love to put itno these things for them. bahhhh...

strangle me, someone, or give me a winning lottery ticket so i could take them all to a paradise far far away from this mess.

i should go back to counselling and maybe i wont feel so bad about this.

Money and Friends.

2009-02-09T22:10:00.002-05:00

here i sit and i feel horrible about not being able to drive to see my friend this weekend for valentines day because i am not able to afford to go. she was planning on coming to see me and im not able to work around it with work because i only work two days a week, and i cannot afford to take off for the weekend that she wants to come. i feel horrible about this because i am poor and trying to see my friends at the same time.
so now i dont have a date for valentines day because i cannot work around this issue. it makes me sad because i wasnt going to be alone, and now i am.

i dont know what else to say about this. its all jumbled in my head and i cannot get it straight.

you have a friend in me, maybe.

2009-01-16T22:28:00.002-05:00

its another winter day. abotu two below was the high today, and the coldness of outdoors almost matches the coldness of my heart right now. i have very few friends, and i love them to death, but sometimes i feel like my caring for them is almost a waste of my time. this might be a stupid thought, and it might offend people, but i just wish people would show much how much they do care for me, and how much i do mean to them, because sometimes i feel like i am nothing to them. i put them at the top of my list, and make them number one, and drop things for my friends to show how much i care, and sometimes i dont feel like they even notice, or care. things come up, like blogs, and questions, and i cant answer. because i can't answer these, i feel inferior and feel like i cant match up to what others can do for them. i feel helpless and i feel like i cant do anything about it. i feel like i can be the last one to know, and like no one can tell me anything, and that there isn't any trust there for me. i just dont know what to say anymore.

i just feel like a worthless friend and that i just dont matter to anyone.

i think i need to go back to my counselor.

January 5

2009-01-05T20:25:00.002-05:00

it was a bright sunny day today, and i'm glad it was. today was three years since andrew had broke up with me. hard to believe it has been that long. i spent part of the day with tim, and the other part shopping, now i'm just relaxing thinking about other things, for once. it was the first in the three years where i didn't dwell on the thought of andrew, and how i wish he would be here, quite frankly, its the first time i didnt want him to be here. on my way to target this afternoon, i had realized that i was a sunny day and that maybe it was a sign for things to finally get better, and for me to finally leave andrew in the past. he is there for the most part, but i still tend to think of him, not as much as i was though. i woke up this morning and it took me a half hour to finally realize that today was the fifth, which is another good sign. maybe things are finally looking up for good now.

all i hope that i can say to myself is Happy 2009, without the thought of andrew.

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

2009-01-01T00:51:00.003-05:00

Here i sit, in my room alone. i was not alone tonight, but i was not with the one i really wanted to be with. this is the time of year i hate. i tried the drinking game three years ago tonight. it failed miserably. i really dont want to go into the story of it, but lets just say i lost the one i thought that i was in love with and thought that i would spend the rest of my life with. well, that wasn't true. ever since then, i have dreaded this day. last year was the first year i didnt cry, but this year is different. the only reason is because i'm alone. i have had bouts this year from whether or not i want to be alone, or if i want to be with someone. this is the time of year i wish i was with someone, but not wanting to be at the same time.

2008 brought me a deal of whatever....i can't even think of what this year has brought me. i have made my best friends that will last a lifetime, even through girlfriends, fights about alcohol, and whatever else has happened. i can remember the earthquake that woke my sleeping room mate and i, and finally making my decision to move back home. opening myself up to date someone, only to be shit on again. i have recently been given the possible opportunity to date my best friend, which i dont know if it is a good idea or not yet, but its going to be slow, so i hope that is good. i got to see nine inch nails two times, going with my best friends to both shows. they also released two albums in one year, which was entirely amazing. i was diagnosed with depression, and got drunk a second time in march, which i am not entirely proud of. lets just say that 2008 was better then it was three years ago, and it can always get better.

lets hope that 2009 will bring me the luck i have been working hard to get to. or maybe this year will shit on me too.

Wintertime Love

2008-12-22T16:27:00.002-05:00

The snow has fallen, and it's the first day of Winter today. Its a cold 6 degrees out side, and the sun is shining. Last night, I couldn't sleep on a count of Wintertime Blues, at least that is what I am going to call them right now. I layed and bed and was cold, longing for the warmth of someone next to me, holding me tight. I have been feeling this a lot lately. It must be something about the winter time. Maybe it is because this is the time of year that Andrew was with me, I don't know. Or maybe it is the cold lonesome nights. As for any wintertime love for me, it's not happening this year. The only "wintertime" love I have this year is my family, pets, and friends, and that is all i need right now. They all make me very happy, even though I can't be with my two friends from school, I will be thinking about them. As for Christmas, I hope that it will be enough to cure my depression and make me happy to be around the family for a while, well, cure it atleast for the day so I won't think about Andrew or even Beau for that matter.
Merry Christmas everyone!

Break My Heart, I Steal Your Shit

2008-12-14T02:38:00.002-05:00

Okay so laying in bed once again, I finally thought of something semi-useful to write about.

I started thinking about packing my stuff up for moving home. And I thought about the hat I got out of my last relationship. Then I realized, I steal from the guys who break my heart. I knew that I stole stuff, but it is alyways from the guys who broke my heart.

Of course, from Josh, I got a couple CDs. Yes, he broke it, but I guess he didn't quite shatter it.

Andrew: I got a bunch of CDs, and Two of his Favorite hoodies. The Baker Skateboards hoodie, that I don't really wear anymore, and I dont think that it really fit him anymore anyways. Then the famous Black Label Hoodie. Matt King stole it long ago when Andrew and I dated. We fought so hard to get it back, then after Andrew left, I fought even harder. Then one day, I gave up. And the next thing I know, Matt is giving me the hoodie. I have it, and Andrew doesn't. He loved that thing. But he also said that he loved me, so I guess it goes hand in hand. The things that he said that he loved are left behind. He hurt me the most, so maybe that is why I got more stuff out of that relationship then all of the others I was in.

Tim: well, he never really hurt me while we dated, just after, and all I got was a lighter. I guess it is better then nothing.

Beau: he was the recent, and fuck him. Anyways. I got the hat, and I got the BEAU Menards Name tag.

I WIN. I have my heart, you don't,even though you did break it, I still have your shit. :)

A Random Subject or Two: Food and Sleep.

2008-12-14T01:16:00.003-05:00

Thanks to Peligro at the NIN boards, I now have something to write about. I tried to blog earlier about Testosterone, Men, and Insensivity, but it went no where because my mind is mush from all the studying I did tonight. So i will now write about Food and Sleep.

It is finals week at Ball State University, and this means that I might be able to catch up on some "lost" sleep. My room mate would say that all I did was sleep, but this is the reason why sleep is AWESOME. I dont have to get up early all week, wait, except for two days, Friday and Wednesday. My first final is at 7:30AM on wednesday. I'm glad it is the only one I have to do that day because I plan on coming back to my dorm and going back to bed. so, sleep to me, is pretty amazing, until I wake up with a migraine from too much sleep, then I hate it. or if I have a night mare. But it's better when I have one of my good crazy dreams.

Ok, enough about sleep. Now to food. Right now, I'm so crazy hungry. But I just can't eat, because I brushed my teeth earlier. But a big ol' bowl of Ramen sounds SOO good right now.

okay, i cant write much more because i am tired. but i'm too stubborn to go to bed!

My New Game: My Friend Named...

2008-12-12T00:22:00.006-05:00

okay, so i was lying in bed and started to think about the few, but amazing friends that i have. and i came up with this "game" i guess you could call it. im just giong to list my friends, in the order that they arrived in my life, and just read from there i guess.

My Friend Named Rachel. She has been there since pretty much preschool. We have been there for each other since Tim Perkins through the Lego at the PreSchool teacher, to the when I threw the Ken Doll at her head, to our crazy Sailor Moon Days, to "The MakeUp Incident", to CSI Barbie, to college finals. Through the years, we have made many great memories that won't be forgotten, and I hope we can make more. She is my rock when there is no one there, and she will always be there. She taught me to love someone for who they are. She also taught me the love of reading and writing. If she was not there to make me mad cause she always read faster then me, or to make me read Harry Potter, or Laura Ingalls Wilder, or Anne of Green Gabels, I probaly would not read as much as I do today. Nor would I be writing this. She would always write, and I would always try to write like her, but she always wrote better then me. But it still gave me the challenge. Her family is like my second family as well, and I know if Rachel isn't there, her family will be. We had grown apart for a long time, and even to today, neither one of us can really remember why we had stopped talking and started fighting. It was because we were both being immature I guess. All that matters now is that we are still in each others lives to help each other through the easy and the hard. I Love You Rachel.

My Friend Named Liz. We weren't really close until our junior year at high school. Even then, we weren't too terribly close. She was in my homeroom, and so we sat next to each other because there really wasn't anyone else we knew to sit next to. We started talking about what any high school girl would talk about, and that was boys. Chris had just come back from the army, and stopped talking to her. Andrew had just come into my life, and as fast as he was there, he was gone. I remember writing a note to her and telling her what happened. From there, we became good friends, getting closer as the years went on. We went on road trips, out to eat, visited colleges together, etc. We got closer after high school still. It shows who your true friends are, and she is one to me. When we need someone to talk to, we turn to each other, and we are there to cry on each others shoulders when we need it. Sometimes neither one of us knows what to say to each other, but we still know that each other cares because we are there to listen. We have been through similiar things and can relate on many levels. And she is there when we both need a night of Sex and the City or a movie night with a little wine. I Love You Liz.

My Friend Named Tim. Swim team was where it started for us. We dated for a brief time, but that never stopped us. We had times recently where we both acted stupid and didnt talk to each other.Now, he is one I turn to when I know I need to laugh, cause I know he will get me to. He is the one person who I thought that I would never talk to after high school, but he is one that I talk to the most. He calls to check up on me, and sometimes I swear that he doesnt care and could give a rats ass as to what I do with anything, but deep down, I know he loves me like the rest of my friends do. When I need a game night, or some awesome soup during the winter time, his house is the place to go. He is there for me when times are rough. I Love You Tim.

My Friend Named Heather. She is my college room mate, the only one I had because I didn't want to replace her after the first month that I was here, and I dont think I could even try to replace her. We had quite a bit in common, especially guys. I don't know what I would have done without her being here, I would have gone back home a long time ago I'm sure. She has introduced me to many people that I couldn't even think about doing on my own. I'm sad to leave her in the next week, but like she told me, I need to think about myself. I will never let a day go by that I don't think of her when I leave. Even though she has been down right cruel to me at times, I'm stil here for her because I don't like to see her left alone. She is one of the only friends I made here at college, and I wish I could take her with me back to South Bend, but I can't. All I can do is say that I am here for her no matter where I am, even if I am not physically there. I Love You Heather.

Who Says It Is All A Fairy Tale Love Story?

2008-12-04T21:53:00.003-05:00

i have heard people say this before: "Disney Should Be Sued for Making Every Little Girl Think They Are Going To Meet Their Prince Charming". my counsellor asked me a couple sessions back about why i think that every person has to be in love, and life is all about your search for your prince charming or soul mate. i couldnt answer his question, and i thought about it more as days went on and i started to realize some things. to me, disney really didnt make me think that, or maybe they just planted the seed to further my thinking as i watched later cartoons like sailor moon, where it was serena's, the moon princess, destiny to be with darien, the moon prince. i thought that there would be a guy set in stone for me, one that will love me in the end, and no matter what we went through, i would know that he would always be there to help me be happy and love. maybe, i thoguht too much about this as a child, and when i finally got my first boyfriend, and went through my first break up, that that was not at all what was going to happen.

i longed to be loved, and then came my second boyfriend, who i did think was the one. i was sixteen. i look back now and realize how crazy i was to think that. since then, i longed for the love of someone. i remember crying in the arms of one of the guys at swimming because i was thinking that i was never going to find anyone, and i was going to be alone all of my life. he held me and told me i wasn't goin to be and if he was single at the time, he would want to be with me. today, he asks my sister why i was at his house to see his brother. i havent really dated anyone much in about two and a half, almost three years. there was a quick relationship, but that was over and done with in a matter of weeks.

but anyways. back to my point. what makes a girl think that they are supposed to be with their "soul mate" or their "prince charming"? is is disney? is it the fairy tales? sex and the city pointed it out about the fairy tales in the movie where carrie tells charlottes daughter after reading Cinderella to her that it was a fairy tale and things dont happen that way. is she absolutely right? or do we eventually end up with our prince charming? why does my mind think like this when as a kid, i never thought that i was really "dreaming" about my prince charming? never did i think about what color hair, eyes, how they are going to sweep me off my feet, how many kids i want one day, yada yada. all that stuff. but now, i long to not be alone, and long to be with someone like that, but still dont want to think of kids. so, is this true that people think that they are destined for their prince charming or their tuxedo mask? and is this really where it comes from? i wish i could pick apart every girls head to see what they think about guys, the future with guys, and all that fun stuff. i really want to know what they think, and if they think like me, or like this fairy tale stuff.

102 Minutes: The Untold Story

2008-12-02T23:42:00.003-05:00

this is the book i am currently reading. i read the first 136 pages because my history test is on it on friday, but i plan on reading the rest of the book because i just couldnt put it down for what i did read. the authors go into many different things in the book, talking about the NYC police deparment, fire department, and things such as building codes. it also goes into some of the conversations that were taken directly from the people in the tower to 911 dispatchers and what not. this is more shocking for me to read then reading hiroshima. i lived this, kind of. nothing like how surviors lived this. but i remember when the towers were hit. i was in 7th grade, and it was about the time of the ISTEP, and we were in sitting in the theatre at dickinson, and the teacher in front of us was yelling at us to pay attention to the tv because something very important and serious was going on. i just kept on laughing with anthony, and whoever else was there because to me, it meant nothing. i watched the smoke pour from the top of the towers, and i really had no idea what these towers were at the time. i later learned how important these buildings were, and how much it has affected our lives and economy to this date. reading the book, i cant even possibly imagine how people in the towers were to handle this situation. i cant imagine what these people were feeling while they were in the windows of the world, trapped with no place to go, and you knew you were going to die, or watching the plane fly straight at them, thinking you were going to die, but made it out alive. even families of people who did die, what they have gone through from this. i cant imagine being in the area at the time. it would be a true adrenalien rush, but not in a good way. i cant imagine someone who did live through this, and how they are living today, because i know that if it were me, i wouldnt be able to sleep, eat, anything. how can someone live with the memory of surviving this building where so many other people have died. it is also hard to believe how much the public doesn't know about things. there were things that i read that i never knew, such as the police department and the fire department not getting along, no way to communicate with anyone in the tower. hwo long they thought that the tower would survive under the situation that it was under. it is also hard to believe how when they built the building, that they didnt even think about somethign like this happening, and getting rid of stairs because they could not collect rent money. it so hard to believe that these stupid things were the things that could have saved thousands of people lives.